Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*