Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
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Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….