Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.