Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
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[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Help Wanted
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Spell check is for lasers.
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.