Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
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Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight