Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
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Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
The two types of wives
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.