@QwertyJones3

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

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@KentWGraham

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

@_wendyb07

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

@Babasnookie

At my age when I’m asked if I’m seeing someone I assume they mean a therapist

@addy_maybe

if i ever got a tattoo it would be something meaningful in Chinese but deliberately misspelled to say, like, may all your trees be cantaloupes, so smug smart people would sneer at me but i’d privately be judging THEM for being pompous jerks guess how many friends i have

@LoveNLunchmeat

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

@ADifGuy

Walmart has strategically placed the cold sore meds in the mistletoe aisle.

@Cpin42

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

@tsm560

Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.