Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
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This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.