Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
You Might Also Like
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”