Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
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I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
gender is a sprctrum
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.