Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
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trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
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[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014