Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.