Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
You Might Also Like
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*