Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
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ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’