Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.