Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
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Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one