Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
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I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Have a lovely day 😊
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I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
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I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube