Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
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I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
When your parents check you’re ok.
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.