Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
You Might Also Like
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]