Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
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Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
so i’m at the stock market right
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.