Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
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My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application