Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
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Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
PLEASE READ
accidentally got decaf coffee beans or as my wife calls them, “grounds for divorce”
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.