Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
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NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me