Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.