Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
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When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
☺️
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16