Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
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me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.