Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
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Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
why neck hurt
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐