Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
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Camping tip: No.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Meanwhile in Portland…
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here