Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Managing expectations
Lucky for them, they’re cute
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color