Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
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My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.