Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
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I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.