Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
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Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
