Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
![]()
You Might Also Like
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
![]()
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
![]()
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
You were the one.
![]()
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance