Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
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My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
this is the most humiliating day of my life
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
The sun is 100% solar-powered.