Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
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Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.