Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
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At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
thats my bad
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ