Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
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Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Me too door. Me too.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.