Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
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I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET