Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.

Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”