Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
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Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.