Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
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Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything