Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
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Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Blocked: 1985
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”