Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
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BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Story of my life…..
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.