Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
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the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
DOOO EEEET
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning