Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

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HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

Put the is in disheveled

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband