Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
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Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
I had to Stop for this
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium