Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

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my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

When you’re Kinky but poor

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

Thinking outside the box.. 😅

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it