Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
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I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.