Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
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Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
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Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
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Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.