Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
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my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business