Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
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This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old