Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
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Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
And bowling should be called pinball
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
You are what you delete.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”