Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
You Might Also Like
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
SCARY COSTUME
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.