Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks

My first child will be named New Folder.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.