Why did they have to bleep out everything R2D2 said?
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Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*