Why did they have to bleep out everything R2D2 said?
You Might Also Like
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?