Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
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Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.