Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
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Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Stop.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy