Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
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What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.