Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
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Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
You learn something every day
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks