Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
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80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.