Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
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It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.