Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
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[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Don’t snitch tag.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
the last thing a carrot sees
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.