“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”