Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”