“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
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A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.