Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

is this a warning or an offer?

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.