Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

When I can’t barge, I careen.

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name