Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

adam and eve had first world problems

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you