Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
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the battle rages on
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?