Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
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If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
WWE is French for “yes”
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.