Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

What a year we’ve had this week.

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are