That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
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You’re the water to my grease fire.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great