Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

Old old old old old west

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

I need to sieze this.

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?