Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

I was once killed by a shark escalator.

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers