Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

My inexpensive home security system…

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

Pro tip for my good boys out there

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb