“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
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Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
“our sushi is very fresh”
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
◾️
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman