Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

I believe the plural is “milves.”

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!