Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

Stop being racist to kettles.

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

What about second breakfast?

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.