Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?