Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
You Might Also Like
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Monica just destroyed the internet
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office