Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

Tastes like chicken.

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.