Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

Venn

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?

Asking for our friend, Siobhan.

No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!