Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wonder why they stopped looking

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”

Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school